Why Are My 20's So Hard?

Wow, I’m so glad you asked. It’s actually all I’ve been thinking about for the last 7 years. After much contemplation, I think I have a general answer. We are developing or re-developing our value systems. And yes, add in personal struggles and development and you’ve got the most beautifully complicated shit sandwich you can imagine. 

Here’s the deal. Our parents, grandparents, caregivers, or whatever wolves raised you, instilled a set of values within you whether you or they know it or not. Some parents (let’s just call them that from now on) are super intentional with how they choose to raise their heathens and some do the best they can with the tools they’re given. That’s my nice way of saying some parents are real fuck ups for those of you who hate a sugar coating. Either way, once we leave the nest, or wolf den, we have an opportunity to observe those values and decide what’s worth keeping and what ‘no longer serves us’. Some of us do it consciously, some do it unconsciously, some don’t do it at all. Either way, part of our 20s involves testing and developing our value system. So I ask you this humbled reader.

What do you care about?

Seriously. Ask yourself this question. Ask it many times. Ask it until you have a definitive answer. Sit with it. Meditate on it. Decide if you actually care about it or if you just think you should care about it. Come up with a list of 1-5 core things that you truly care about. Things that you want to dedicate your time, effort, and money to. 

For those that learn by example, here are the things I value. But you can’t just copy and paste these. If only it were that easy. 

I value my marriage, my health, both physical and mental, and I value my desire to learn and grow. 

Once you have your list, start identifying what decisions and actions that you make are currently supporting these values. Take note of which decisions are actively working against your values. Don’t start drastically changing your life (bet you won’t find that in your favorite self help book). Just start noticing where you’re aligned with your values. 

I’ll give you an example of how I do this. At least once, if not twice every weekend, I try to do something social with friends. This aligns with supporting my mental health since it gets me out of the house and boosts serotonin. It also usually supports my growth value because my friends like to indulge in deep conversations which always leaves me with a new perspective to chew on. Socializing is also great for my marriage. If we go together, we get to experience each other outside of the vacuum that is our home. It reminds us of the people we originally fell in love with. If we go separately, it gives us a new experience to share with one another when we see each other next. 

The areas where this doesn’t support my value system is that being social often includes alcohol, unhealthy food, or staying up too late which actively work against my physical health. Could I do something healthier with friends, set boundaries, be home by 10 pm etc.? Yes. But here’s the thing. The point isn’t to be perfect. Being perfect (or trying to be) will actually ruin your life. So knock it off and do your best. 

Once you’ve identified your values, decision making and overall life satisfaction will actually become a whole lot easier to manage. So much of your 20s is not only developing your own values and discovering what you like, it’s also about watching your friends and peers do the same. A lot of times it’s watching our friends discover their passions and purpose that can leave us feeling paralyzed. Yes, we’re excited for them, but we may also feel a little jealous or like we’re being left behind. Not to mention if you add social media to the list and now all of a sudden we’re watching every possible passion and purpose that has ever existed and the whole thing just feels too overwhelming to start. By consuming conflicting media, it can feel as though there are too many things we should value all at once and that everyone else is able to do so. In reality, most of social media showcases one to two things an individual values. However, when we view thousands of posts each day, we are viewing thousands of different values. A very popular influencer, Emma Chamberlin, recently posted a video about how cleaning out her closet has led to much easier decision making when it comes to pulling together outfits. She described that by having endless options of novelty clothing to choose from, she would become overwhelmed and ultimately choose the same old t-shirt every time instead. This is the same concept with our values. When we give our brain too many options, we will default to what is comfortable. But this is where our values come in. As our guiding light. The glimpse of direction in a directionless time in space. Start viewing opportunities through the lens of your value system. Of all the infinite things you could be doing with your time, what activity supports the things you value most. 

The whole concept of social media is bonkers banana pants insane. It’s both a drug and a tool. It can help to support our values or it can massively derail our entire lives. Do not. Use social media. Without a purpose. I mean to say that you should have intentionality behind your use. If it can be used as a way to support a value, great. If it’s sucking hours of your day for no reason or actively worsening your mood, not so great. Follow friends and creators that make you feel inspired to pursue the things you care about. I love to follow influencers that post about healthy habits and routines. It motivates me to continue to show up for myself and my health. I made a conscious choice to audit the accounts I was following and the media I consume. If the content does not support my goals, it does not have a place in my space. 

The final piece to choosing your values involves making sacrifices. Overall, the things you value should be things you genuinely enjoy. However, a lot of times making choices that support our values comes at a cost of something else. For instance, if your goal is to save a certain amount of money, there will likely be things that you have to say no to along the way in order to support that goal. You might miss out on a fun trip or a concert. If in the end you feel like you are sacrificing too much and the means don’t justify the end, you can always go back and adjust your values until you find something worth sacrificing for. This is the honest part about working toward something or somethings. You will have to miss out on something else. One of my favorite lines I’ve heard is ‘you can have it all, but not all at once’. Specifically as a woman, we have been told that we can ‘have it all’. I’ve always taken this to mean that I can run a household, raise my children, and carry on with my career. It just takes a little bit of hard work but you can do it all. While I don’t yet have children, I know this is not as straightforward as it’s made out to be. There will be sacrifices. You cannot have everything. And sometimes narrowing down what you can live without is an easier way of defining what you can’t live without. 

Your list will grow and change with you and that’s ok. YOU will grow and change. That’s the human experience. Evaluate your list from time to time and pivot accordingly. Don’t forget to give yourself a break and always celebrate your wins. Get serious about your values, but don’t take yourself so seriously that you forget to enjoy it. After all, if you’re not enjoying it, what’s the point of it all.