Why is Change so Hard?

A leopard never changes its spots. Old dogs can’t learn new tricks. People never change. These are all sayings that are wildly familiar for a reason. Change is one of the hardest things a person can experience in this lifetime. I do believe people are capable of change though I find that all odds are stacked against them to do so. Like a tree root through concrete, our lives are destined to grow in a certain direction. In order to change our thoughts or behaviors, it is the equivalent of jackhammering the pavement, hiring the removal crew, obtaining the city permits, knowing how to operate the machinery, upheaving a centuries old tree, and placing it in the middle of a desert and then praying for rain. So much has to go right and so much hope must be held that the ultimate result will not only work but be worthwhile. 

Acknowledging a need for change is the first step. Whether you’re deciding to embark on a fitness journey, quitting alcohol, or getting out of an abusive relationship, the first step is allowing yourself to admit there is a problem. This is inherently the scariest step. It means you agree to opening your eyes to a problem. A problem that you either have to solve, or will forever turn your back to and deny. Both are incredibly draining. 

Once you have identified an area in your life that needs change, the next step is deciding that you want to change. Making the conscious choice to work towards solving the problem can be half the battle. Just being aware of a problem does nothing to propel you forward into a solution. Without the desire to change, you never will. You’ll just end up ‘shoulding’ yourself to death. I should go for a run. I should get up early. I should quit smoking. Don’t ‘should’ all over yourself. Turn those statements into “I could” statements and see if that helps your mentality. I find that even before taking actual steps towards a solution, visualizing myself doing that thing, or as the type of person who does that sort of thing can be immensely helpful. I adore Pinterest for this. Every type of life you could want to live is somehow visually represented on Pinterest. I’m such a visual learner so having inspiration at my finger tips in the form of a mood board gets me so excited to begin a new process. Note, this is also really helpful to reference again when you begin to lack motivation a few weeks into your journey. 

Once you’ve mentally prepped for this beautiful new journey of change, your first steps towards a new life are going to include a lot of failure. This is your formal warning that whatever it is you are going to attempt, you will likely, with almost 100% certainty, not achieve it on the first go. And that is A-OKAY! This step is all about trial and error. Try to have fun with it. There are a million ways to go about solving a problem. And your solution to solving your problem will no doubt be the million and 1st way to solve it. Take inspiration from others who have successfully made this same change. Try out their advice. Keep from it what you like and discard what doesn’t work for you. Do this as many times as you like until you’ve concocted your own special sauce to success. 

If you find yourself giving up after setbacks or failures, this is only your sign to start smaller. If failure is completely devastating to you, or you don’t feel like you can try something if there is a risk of not doing it perfectly or correctly on the first go, then your first step to making change is conquering this fear. You need to get good at being bad at things. Which does sound a bit like an oxymoron but I promise is very real! I suggest practicing with an unrelated task or hobby. Something that has zero repercussions if you fail at it. Give yourself the opportunity to get to know your brains process for learning. This will provide a beautiful roadmap for your journey to successful change. As a recovering perfectionist, this step was key for me. I started to learn how to golf, which if you’ve never done before, I can promise you will be bad at. This had absolutely zero consequences in my life and gave me a chance to learn how I process failure. It allowed me to feel frustrated, acknowledge those feelings, and find ways to emotionally regulate. Aside from a few chunks of earth and many lost balls, no harm no foul. Just a bruised ego. But that’s the point! Your ego is going to get bruised, many times, while you’re changing. So get comfortable there.

Novelty, newness. Excitement and motivation. 

Mid point

I think one of the most challenging parts of change is the midpoint. In the beginning, there is so much excitement. Everything is new and exciting. But as the novelty wears off, and your motivation begins to waver, you have to rely on your discipline and the routines you’ve hopefully set in place at the beginning. Not only is it difficult to push through a lack of motivation, you are also likely not going to recognize your own progress. In the same way parents don’t notice their own children aging from one day to the next, you will also become blind to your own progress. It’s easy to continue to push the goal posts further and further and not acknowledge your accomplishments. Make a point of celebrating your wins. Document on a regular cadence your progress. Keep a journal and reference back to how you felt in past weeks. Re-reference your original vision board and stoke the fires of excitement. 

At the midpoint it can be equally as appealing to slip back into old habits because where you started is just as far as where you’re going. But the path of least resistance is where you’ve been. At this point you will be purely running on motivation and trusting in a process that may not even work. There will be Intense feelings of doubt, and your memory of the history may try to trick you into thinking it really wasn’t all that bad in the old way. You may experience resistance in your external relationships as well. The people from your old life may not be supportive of your new journey. It may be lonely if you haven’t yet found the new people in your life that are supportive of your change. Know that this period is only temporary. Meditate on it. Journal about it. Acknowledge that this to is part of the process. But don’t give up. 

Though some change is never truly ‘over’, there will eventually come a time where you feel you have made it to the other end. The thing that once felt difficult, or impossible, is now a part of who you are. You must celebrate your accomplishment. After all, you have just done something that most people will never do. You will likely feel empty or sad that the journey is completed. There is nothing left to work towards and you now have the thing you were dead set on getting. There will be a sense of grief for your old self and your past life. There may be a sense of despair and longing for what is next. This is all a part of the process. Which after reading this you may be wondering “then what the heck is it all for!”. Which is completely fair and wholly up to you to decide. Your ‘why’ as they call it will see you through to the end. Maybe it’s to live longer for yourself or your children, maybe it’s to prove that you can, maybe it’s to try to fill a void or get revenge (though I don’t recommend this). All this last paragraph is meant to convey is that if and when you do reach the end, it is completely normal to feel a bit down about it all for a short while. 

Luckily, these feelings of despair don’t last forever. Many find that sharing their story with others, or helping someone else is the best way to feel fulfillment in their journey. I’m not someone who is very religious but I grew up in a wonderful church. One of my favorite quotes from the bible is ‘No one after lighting a lamp places it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to our Father who is in heaven’. Share in your journey with others so that they may share in your light.